Episode 8: The Last Evening (or Bite the Bullet, Baby)

Ladies and gentlemen, I do most profusely apologize for my unintentionally long absence. In my defense, my apartment did burn down, but that was back in December. Still, new apartment, new tone, new place to be terrified by David Lynch's sick as hell mind. I think we'll be back on track though, friends, neighbors, and countrymen. Without further ado, I give you... The Last Evening!

The last episode of season 1 opens on a tropical scene. Palm trees, setting sun, the sound of the ocean.. Where could we be? Dr. Jacoby's tripped up office, of course, in which Donna and James are Nancy Drewin' it up, albeit fairly poorly. They waste time mulling over some paper umbrellas, and Donna presses buttons she has no reason to, causing a racket with the sound system. Hanging from a coat rack is a coconut, perhaps the same coconut Laura spoke of on the tape. Donna opens it and finds THE MISSING TAPE. They snatch it and leave on a James' now coke-infested motorcycle. Bobby gloats in the shadows.

Jacoby is at the gazebo where the Maddy/Sarah footage was filmed and sees Maddy, still wearing her awful wig for reasons we can only guess.. Que sentimental '90s music, then WHACK, to the back of the head, down goes Jacoby, attacked by a mystery person in black. As he is being beaten on the ground, he watches silently and helplessly as Maddy is picked up by James and Donna, leaving him alone in the woods. Lynch lingers in zoom-shot of Jacoby's eye for abotu 10 seconds more than we need.

Back at One-Eyed Jacks, Cooper is  getting all kinds of lucky, beating the shit out of black jack with Jacques Renault as dealer, and getting propositioned by some sweet young thangs.

21. Can you beat that?

Evidentally not.
Cooper presents Jacques with the One-Eyed Jacks chip that Sarah bit through, says he's a friend of Leo's, and offers to buy him a cocktail. Cooper sets up his friend-of-Leo's backstory and pretends Leo told him about the night up at the cabin with Waldo and Laura. He gives Jacques a new job, for which he will get 10 thousand bucks in reward. The job is a secret for now, but Jacques is to meet Cooper in two hours on the U.S. side of the border. There, that's settled, but one more thing. What's with the chip? Well, if I told you, it'd destroy the magic. Brief sum-up: Waldo keeps pecking at Laura; Laura was tied up - she like that; Leo puts chip in Laura's mouth and says,

"Bite the bullet, baby."

Blacky's office, Audrey steps in, looking way stoned and wayyy hot in her new brothel get-up. Blacky informs her that the owner is coming by to look at the new girls. If Audrey only knew that her father was the owner.. (Why doesn't she know, anyway?) Audrey becomes the Queen of Diamonds.

We now visit with Shelley, who is washing her hair in the sink. Rule No. 1 in sink hair-washing: Don't get soap in your eyes while the husband you recently shot is hiding in the woods waiting for you to be vulnerable. Doesn't matter if you have a gun, you have soap in your eyes. You're just setting yourself up for all sorts of troubles, say like getting tied inside of a burning mill. Just a random example.

Okay, let's look at what I like to call Operation Red Herring, the reeling in of the Jacques plot. The whole gang go through the operation speaking strictly in fishing metaphors. "Hold the line, we'll set the hook" "He's downstream, he'll miss the catch, he'll be there when we grill him" and so on. Clearly they should've used dental analogies, though, since they were oral surgeons, I mean come on! "Yeah, you know the drill," "He's taking the wrong route down this canal,"  "Let's floss out this fat chunk of poutine!" You know, the usual.

The police are hiding around a road, waiting for Jacques to show to meet Cooper. Jacques pulls up, police come out and take him into custody. Jacques resists and tries to shoot Truman, but Andy guns the motherfucker down, as though Jacques were a big, fat French fish in a barrel. Daaaammmmn, Andy. Better call that ambulance.

At Donna's house, Donna, James, and Maddy (thankfully sans wig) convene once more to listen to the newest addition to their Laura to Jacoby tape collection. The tape settles in their mind that Jacoby is not the killer, but instead there is a mystery man in a red Corvette. Leo again?  I don't know.. can Leo really light her F-I-R-E?

Well, I don't know if he can really light Laura's fire, but he can certainly light Shelley's. Yeah, he kind of kidnapped her and dragged her to the mill, gagged and tied her up, and put a bomb to set off in an hour near some gas tanks. In summation: If you're going to wash your hair when your blood thirsty husband is lurking in the woods, go to a friend's house!

Back at Big Ed's humble abode, Nadine takes loads of sleeping pills. Curtain manufacturers, that's on you.

Why was Hank at Josie's when Ben called previously? It seems like Josie hired Hank to kill her husband and go to jail for it! 90 grand. That's kind of interesting. Now why would you do that, Josie? Ohhh, I jest. I honestly do not care at. all. (Oh, a friend informed me that Isabella Roselina almost played the part of Josie! That would've made Josie's plot about a million times more interesting. Damned conflicting schedules.) Hank tries to pull some bullllllshit to get some more money than agreed upon, but Josie doesn't bite. He cuts her finger and his, and they bind their agreement in blood.

After all these months of hiatus, I still don't have patience to deal with Catherine and Pete's relationship. Catherine crashes into Pete's office and looks for the elusive ledger. When she can't find it, she sweet-talks Pete into giving her a helping hand. While the two are searching for the ledger, Hank gives Catherine a call and tells her it's in the mill. Catherine heads out with a gun.

Lucy is mighty impressed by Andy's show of masculinity  with his damn fine shooting. They share a tender moment, only broken by.. Lucy's revelation that she is, of course pregnant. Andy responds not-so-well, and Lucy gets all grumpy. She gives some attitude to Bobby who is pretending to be Leo on the phone, until she is told that James is an "easy rider." Oh, ho ho, Bobby. In the background on the other line, Lucy hears the clock bell at Easter Park, where the gazebo is.

At the hospital Cooper and Truman interrogate the freshly shot Jacques. Jacques admits to having many fun times with Laura and Ronnette in the cabin, taking pictures for Flesh World )Laura's idea). The blood? That was on Leo's shirt? That was Jacques', from being hit with a whiskey bottle by Leo. Jacques passed out outside and knew nothing more of what happened that night with the girls.

If you were worried about Jacoby, breathe easy once more. He is in the hospital under the care of Donna's awesome dad. He had a heart attack, but he tells the doctor about Laura Palmer and the man who beat him up.

Cooper and Truman go back to the police station where Lucy tells them about the "Leo" at Easter Park, to where troops are then sent. Leland stumbles into the station and asks if Laura's killer has actually been found. Harry refuses to give any information, but Leland suspects the potential killer is at the hospital..

James pops up and asks to speak to Harry, but Cooper pulls him aside for himself. James hands over the tape, but Cooper fails to be impressed. From what Jacoby said of Laura, plus James' emurgence with the tape that is quite obviously Jacoby's, Cooper was able to put the pieces together and figure out James, Maddy, and Donna's Master Plan. To make matters worse, Bobby's easy rider call led Truman to find the cocaine in James' gas tank. Uh-oh...

At One-Eyed Jacks, the investors finally since the contract. Ben is a happy guy. To add to his happiness, he gets to give Hank the okay on the phone for the shooting of Leo Johnson. The shooting is witnessed by our good friend Bobby.

Time is ticking down for Shelley at the mill. Just in time, Catherine arrives. Before helping, Catherine bitches it up a little and interrogates Shelley, as though time is not of the essence. Once the fire starts, Catherine cuts Shelley down and they leg it. Do they make it? We don't know. The fire department comes, and Pete runs into the fire after them, but whether or not they make it... Don't know, check in next season.

Fire is on everyone's mind tonight. A Mystery Man sets the fire alarm in the hospital and marches into Jacques' room as the staff bolt. The man? Leland. What does he do? He kills Jacques in cold blood.

Despite his bad-assery, Leland is still...

Crying. Can he possibly get away with this? Will he be caught? Don't know, check in next season.


Audrey waits alone in her little brothel bedroom, waiting for the owner to enter, and to her horror, through the mirror she sees her father. Pure panic! He has yet to see her, but how can she hide? Don't know, check in next season.

After a long night's work, Cooper retires to his thankfully quiet hotel room at 4:37. On the floor he finds Audrey's note, but before he can read it, the phone rings. Before he can hear the message that Leo Johnson has been shot, there is a knock on the door. He answers it, assuming it is room service but it is not.

That is, unless he ordered three hard gunshots to the chest. How badly has be been wounded? Will he live? Don't know! Check in next season!

In the Meantime..

Haven't been quite in a Twin Peaks mood this past week, but, until next time, enjoy this little image which I just came upon in my Simpsons travels:

Burns' suit! Burns' suit!

 Look, even the sourceless shadow. These guys know what they're doing.

Episode 7: Realization Time (or How Do You Feel About Green Silk?)

Cooper didn't know what he was doing when he flirted with Audrey Horne. Audrey takes "taking the initiative" to a level most girls would not quite dare to go. But Audrey is not like most girls, and though I may scoff at Cooper for underestimating her- really? Naked in his bed? Woman, tone it down a smidge. Cooper may have been glad to continue the harmless flirting for a while, then maybe a little down the line, once he's moved into his own little log cabin, wait out Audrey's high school and early college years. But no.

Cooper turns her down and says, "Can't we be just friends." What he wants and what he needs are two different things, or some nonsense like that. Cooper tells Audrey to put her clothes on while he goes to get some chocolate malts, and golly gee, they're going to talk the night away.

The next morning at the station, Lucy is still pissed at Andy for a reason unknown to Andy but soon known to us. Lucy gets a phone call from a doctor who has some information for Lucy. Lucy who had been out sick the day previously. Hmhmhm. I wonnnnder what that is.

The police are still using the doctor to do all their research for them, which I will continue to allow, because, remember, he's awesome. He discovers with a handy book that Waldo The Bird, when he's feeling "playful," is able to immitate sounds he's heard.  But Waldo is far from playful, as he's spent days, weeks maybe, alone in a creepy as hell log cabin with nothing but a dreary record for company. Cooper (who doesn't like birds?) puts out a tape recorder, voice activated, to catch any mimicking that might ensue.

Hawk gives some handy information, stemming from the poker chip with the missing J that was found in the log cabin: Jacques works at One-Eyed Jacks. This means Cooper and The Bookhouse Boys are going to go take a look-see and gamble on the government's dime. 10 thou. Sounds good to me.

At Leo's charming homestead, Leo is lurking not at alllll conspicuously in the woods in his truck with a gun, binoculars, and a crude bandage on this arm. Bobby comes by, Leo grumbles under his breath about wanting to kill kill KILL. Inside, Shelly cries and tells Bobby what happened. Bobby tells Shelly she won't have to worry about Leo (or James..?) ever again. We'll just see about that. Leo continues to lurk outside with his gun, waiting for Bobby, to KILLLL, but he hears on his police monitor thing Lucy talking about a bird that talks. Uh oh, there's Waldo! Leo's gotta take care of that.

James, Donna, and Maddy are hanging out listening to Laura's tape to Jacoby. Laura sounds like a sex-line operator, which, hey, she might have been. She talks about naked dreams, Jacoby's coconut, and making it easy to get guys to like her. This enrages James, and he angrily THROWS the recorder at the wall and.. No, he just moodily creeps over and pushes stop. Maddy notices that there's an empty tape case, from the night Laura died, and the gang decide that Jacoby still has it. SO they decide they must, simply must get their hands on that tape. They are going to hoodwink the good doctor with a phone call from Laura, or Maddy pretending to be Laura.

At Horne's Department Store, we learn that Audrey should never ever ever work in sales again. While scaring some customers off, she notices Mr. Manager asks her fellow employee to join him in his office for a little chat. This is an opportunity Audrey can't miss. She saunters into Mr. Manager's office, snoops around, grabs a cigarette, and hides in the closet to overhear the conversation. And oy, the conversation.

The conversation is the maybe the worst shared scene of acting we've had so far, and we've seen a bunch of scenes with Pete and Josie, so that's saying something. Without Audrey's amusing presence, it would have been absolutely painful. But Audrey finds what she's looking for. Mr. Manager gives the girl a little glass unicorn, a sign of purity, and then tells her that, yes, she might make a very good whore at One-Eyed Jacks. He offers her a consistent job up at Jacks, and she takes it, as long as the men are wealthy.

The girl leaves her unicorn on the table, which Audrey grabs once the two leave the office. Audrey also finds a little black book on Mr. Manager's desk. The book is full of names of girls, and next to the names are... hearts.

I assume Mr. Manager isn't really a 13 year-old girl, but I could be wrong.

Audrey uses the unicorn to convince the new girl that she, too, was invited to go work up the way, and asks for the number to call "Black Rose." The girl is a bit suspicious, but she gives the number anyway.

At the Double R, Norma's homicidal husband plays nice with Shelly and gets out of her that "Big" Ed has been a "real help" to Norma while he's been gone. Yeah... Big Ed... And then he steals a lighter that he sees on the counter, because he's oh, so bad. Truman and Cooper come in, and Truman bitches out Hank about being on parole. Truman doesn't like Hank. Truman and Cooper give themselves their daily present of coffee, which Cooper gives a little speech about (Cooper, you zany fellow, you), and then we're gone.

Quick catch-up on Nadine, Ed's wife. She tried to make silent curtain rods. She made them with cotton balls and grease. They were silent. Silent! She was going to make a fortune! But her idea was rejected. And Ed tells her not to give up. And that's that. End.

Truman goes to confront Josie about her spy work at the hotel the day they were there. She tries to deny everything, but then she tells Truman that she followed Ben and Catherine to take pictures. Apparently she overheard a phone conversation with Catherine and Ben about burning down the mill. She cries. Truman comforts her and lies about not letting anything happen to her.

Later that same day, Cooper and and Big Ed dress up all fancy to head of to Jacks. They go incognito as oral surgeons. Never was there a more exciting occupation! Meanwhile, Audrey is searching for Cooper. She has somer urgent news, presumably something to do with her going up to Jacks. But Cooper is nowhere to be found. She leaves a note under Cooper's door and notices a Chinese guy checking into a room. Why not, right?

Catherine gets pestered by an insurance man who has some documents she doesn't approve of, blah blah blah. It's now obvious to her that Ben and Josie are trying to swindle her. Whatever, she's going to look over some papers and call him in the morning. And then she notices her hidden ledger is gone. OH NO.

Before the police set off for Jacks, they go back to the station for mustaches, wigs, and a microphone. In the next room, Waldo is talking. Then Waldo gets shot (by Leo, of course, who bolts). Cooper and the boys (and Lucy) go in to investigate, see the dead bird and their ruined Doughnut Feast No. 5, and listen to the tape. I get shivers at the sound, I must admit, of the bird. "Hello Waldo," "Laura," "don't go there," "hurting me," "stop it," and "Leo, no!"

Cut to One-Eyed Jacks. Let's look at the disguises:

Well. They tried. But Big Ed, now known as Fred The Oral Surgeon, hopes to get a look at Blacky's gum work, because he'd sure like to take a look under her hood. That's more like it. Fred's a prince. Ed plays craps, Cooper plays black jack.

Maddy sneaks downstairs and out the door to help Donna and James in their treacherous plan, and-

JESUS CHRIST Leland what are you doing there!

Maddy wears a blonde wig and she's filmed walking around holding the day's newspaper outside a white gazebo. The trio deliver this freshly filmed tape to Jacoby, and then Maddy calls with her Lauraness and tricks Jacoby into thinking that maybe she's alive. She gives him a random address to go to to meet her, but he notices that she's at a gazebo in the film. Jacoby's no fool. Still, he gets out of the office, making way for James and Donna to investigate while Maddy waits at the gazebo. Sigh. Never. Split. Up. Time and time again I've yelled this to all of you people inside my TV. For a major operation, NEVER SPLIT UP. But do you ever listen? Never. One of these days.. One of these days.

At The Great Northern, The Icelanders are singing. This irritates Ben. Everything about them irritates Ben. He just wants them to sign the goddamn contract for the investment. So they all decide to head off to One-Eyed Jacks to have a party and seal the deal. But befooore. Ben calls Josie and makes sure she's set for their dire plot. Yet standing next to Josie on the other line is Hank. What could this mean?

Audrey goes to One-Eyed Jacks and tries to get in. Blacky sees through some of her tricks, but lets her join the brothel because she's hot and can knot a cherry stem in her mouth.

Finally, Jacques comes to the black jack table Cooper is sitting at. That's all we see for now.

Oh. Bobby puts cocaine in James' motorcycle's gas tank. Just so you know. Might show up later on the test.

Episode 6: Cooper's Dreams (or the Episode in Which Cooper Doesn't Actually Dream)

Did you miss The Great Northern last episode? I sure did. Audrey and Ben's shared scene was simply not enough. But this episode makes up for it.

It's nighttime in the small town. Icelanders are dancing and singing on the third floor of The Great Northern Hotel. It's 3 a.m. A Federal Agent tosses and turns. He pulls out a small, black tape recorder and begins to speak..

Cooper has lost almost 100% of his ability to control his environment and is angered. He asks Diane to mail him some earplugs, overnight delivery, so he can sleep in peace. (But when is she going to receive the tape in the mail?) In the morning, the Icelanders are still full of vim and singing. Cooper is, as he tells Audrey, tired and a little on edge. He's all business and hardly has a chance to flirt with Audrey. Oh, but wait, what's this? "How old are you, Audrey?" 18! SCORE. It's legal, Coop, have at it! "I'll see YOU later, Audrey," he softly says, and off he jaunts.

Michael "Jerry" Douglas is back! He brought the Icelanders with him, and he's IN LOVE. Her name is Heppa. She's a giant Snow Queen with a smile like a sunrise on an iceflow. You could go blind looking at her. And, most most most importantly, she gave him a leg of lamb. Love! At its finest. Ben doesn't care, as long as he gets those Icelanders to invest. And a sure deal to have them invest is to take them up to...

You know where.

Ben's worst nightmare, a weeping Leland Palmer, staggers in, and Ben panics. The Icelanders must be prevented from seeing and, most especially, hearing Leland. Ben urges Leland to take time off, to take his wife somewhere, anywhere! but Jesus Christ, not at The Great Northern! Except Leland is afraid to. Why are you afraid, Leland? Why are you afraid.

The police continue their (warrantless?) search on Renault's appartment, and are joined by the doctor. I don't know why the doctor's there, but he's awesome, so I'll take it. It is determined that the blood on Leo's shirt is AB-, which is not Laura's type. The plot thickens.. Who could it be?! (It's Jacques Renault's.) Cooper finds a copy of Flesh World sticking to the ceiling, and I don't want to know how it got up there. With some fancy thinking, Cooper determines that Jacques is the creator of this heck of a page-turner, and surely Leo is involved, too, because his truck is in a picture in the magazine. We all need hobbies.

Bobby and Shelly again. Shelly makes Bobby breakfast, and asks him what he'd do if Leo walked in. Bobby continues with his idle threats and pretends that he'll shoot him. Look at this pretending:

When Deputy Andy comes in to look for Leo, Bobby scurries away in fright, and Shelly plants a story about Leo being a bad guy. But Shelly, he already is a bad guy. You don't need to make up a lie (about Leo and Jacquese arguing outside).

Ed sort of "breaks up" with Norma because Nadine is the craziest person in town. She is. I haven't talked about her yet. She is irrelevant to the main plot, however. The whole thing is mostly irrelevant, but I thought I'd bring it up again, because Norma has that thing going on with her husband being let out of jail. You'll see more of why that's important later. But in the meantime, Hank is going to try to earn his way back into Norma's heart. We'll see how that works out for him.

Audrey goes off to her father's department store to check in for her first day and to figure out where she's going to be placed. The manager fondly remembers her from when she was a sweet little kid. He wants to put her in the wrapping department. This simply can't be. Laura didn't work in the wrapping department. We need perfume. But the manager thinks this is far too sensitive an area for a new girl.. Then Audrey is totally rad again. She walks behind his desk, ruffles him up a bit, and says that if he doesn't give her the job and keep quiet about it to her father, she'll rip her dress in half, scream, and you know the rest. Mr. Manager realizes that Audrey is quite a bit like her father...

Oh god. James and Donna again. Ok, let's just get through this. We learn: James' dad is a musician who ran away and James' mother is an alcoholic and sort of prostitute. I assume this is because James is such a disappointment. MOVING ON. They meet up with Madeleine -let's call her Maddy- at the Double R Restaurant. James is a little over-eager to get her a Cherry Coke, which she never drinks. James and Donna think they know who killed Laura (they have no idea, come on) and ask Maddy to find a box in a hiding place in Laura's room. Maddy agrees.

Our favorite police force partake in Doughtnut Deast No. 4! Phew, I was getting worried there. Cooper spots inside a pantry a picture of a cabin with red drapes in the windows.. The drapes from his dream. He then enjoys Flesh World. A lot. A. Lot.

He sees a picture of a woman, cut off before the face, who he is sure is Laura. He thinks this because in the background are red drapes. The same as in the cabin, the same as in his dream. Ok, that's it! Time to find that there cabin!

Bobby's parents decide Bobby needs some counseling with Dr. Jacoby, and I agree. The kid has problems. Their idea is family counseling, though, and that's just silly, considering who Bobby is. Jacoby sees this right away and tells them to bugger off so he can get some real work done. You know in movies when a person in authority who is trying to get in touch with the goshdarn kids these days decides to "break from the mold" and try to show that they know what it's like to be a teen or whatever? They usually start off with saying the line, "Let's just cut the crap" or something similar. That's what Jacoby says, and Bobby knows lameness will soon follow.

Except it doesn't. Because Jacoby doesn't give a shit about what Bobby thinks. He just wants to make Bobby cry. Annnnd he does. I think maybe he may have broken a few rules in the Psychiatrist's Handbook with his questions: "What happened the first time that you and Laura made love? Bobby, did you cry? And then what did Laura do, did she laugh at you?" Props to you, Jacoby. Bobby heads straight to the chaise lounge that no psychiatrist really has in his (or her!) office.

Bobby tells us about Laura's personality. It's sad. Look, this scene is really good. Jacoby leads the witness a lot, but it's all true. Laura had darkness in her, and other people made her sick. She would find people's weaknesses and exploit them. She wanted to corrupt people because she was corrupt. Laura's the reason Bobby's an asshole. Laura made Bobby sell drugs so she could have them. Bobby, I'm starting to be on your side.

Into the woods! The fellas, Truman, Cooper, Hawk, and the doctor, go to find the cabin. They find a cabin, but it's not Jacques'. It's the Log Lady's. Ok, time almost out: One thing that I do not understand about this show is why Cooper doesn't get behind the Log Lady's ideas. Why are her quirks any less valid than his? He's just being disrespectful. Everyone else has lots of respect, why can't he trust them for once? Jesus. Get over it, Cooper.

Log Lady tells us again that the Log saw something. (She tells us also that her husband, a logging man, met the devil. Huh.) Cooper breaks down and asks the Log what it saw. It saw dark and laughing, and owls. There were two men and two girls, the owls were near, the darkness was pressing in on Laura. Then later, another man moves in, and there are screams of one woman in the distance. The owls then? Silent.
Conclusion: Girls = Laura and Ronette. Boys = Jacques and Leo possibly. Who is the the third man? It's quite possible that it's Orson Welles or Jack White, but maybe not.

The guys go off and find the cabin. 
Cooper's Dream Comes True Again: Record player is on repeat. "And there's always music in the air."
They find Waldo the bird (pretty birds sing), a camera with film (a lead!), some twine, blood on the carpet, and some One-Eyed Jacks poker chips in a cuckoo clock. One of the chips has a.. chip in it, where once was the letter J. New evidence to examine!

There's a party at The Great Northern for the Icelanders. "Home on the Range" is sung in Icelandic. If only Bjork could've been there. But who do we have on the scene? We have Ben and Jerry, (Heppa,) Catherine and Pete Martell, Josie in a room alone somewhere smoking a cigarette, Audrey, and oh no.. Leland. Catherine hits the sauce right off, purposefully spills some of her drink on Ben's shoes, and demands she see him. Audrey overhears and sneaks into her cubby hole to listen. Now, I know this is Catherine and Ben we're talking about, but I actually thought something interesting might happen. But no, Catherine just wants to know why Ben had a One-Eyed Jacks poker chip last episode, because she knows of the ladies up there, and is a bit jealous. Whatever. Except Audrey sees this, and hears a bit about the mill burning-downage, so at least something came of this scene.

Outside, Jerry is making a weird speech (We are all Icelanders!), but then Glenn Miller starts playing. You know what happens next. Ben doesn't know what to do with the weeping Leland on the dance floor, but sics Catherine on him. Catherine saves the day and starts dancing. The Icelanders join in. Everyone's happy! Except for Leland, and Audrey. Audrey cries, because she has a soul.

Cut to the Palmer Residence, Maddy has found the box in Laura's room, and in it is a tape. She calls Donna to let her know. Sarah Palmer starts crying somewhere in the background, so Maddy runs back to her room for cover.

Annnd back to The Great Northern. Ben sneaks off to the room Josie is in and we discover that they have a plot of their own. Ben has been telling Josie what Catherine has been telling him, and Josie now has the hidden book. Ben tries to kiss her hand, but Josie squirms. She may have a sinister plot, but at least she's true to Truman. Ben and Josie are going to proceed with some plan tomorrow night, apparently.

The second to last scene we spend with Leo, Shelly, and.. Norma's husband Hank? Shelly paces nervously inside. Leo packs gasoline into his car outside. Hank.. punches Leo in the face. Leo used to work for Hank, before Hank got sent off to prison, and Hank isn't so happy that Leo is prospering so well by himself. Hank makes some threats and stalks off.  Leo goes into his house to demand beer, and pushes Shelly to the ground. Shelly has had enough! She pulls out her gun, and Leo makes the mistake that all villains do in movies. He grins and says, "You haven't got the guts!"

I don't know, she looks fairly gutsy. She shoots! Leo cries like a baby, or a cat, or a baby cat, and runs out the door, into the night.

To close the episode, we go back to The Great Northern, where Cooper sees his door ajar. ! He pulls out his gun and goes inside the dark room. A light comes on, and there's something strange in Cooper's bed..

Oh my.

Episode 5: The One-Armed Man

I have not made an entry for a couple days because of trouble with sleeping. Yes, episode five of our journey, and the dreams have begun.. But, like our ancestors of yesteryear, onward we must press.


Today we give The Great Northern a break from opening scenes and start out at the peaceful Palmer Residence. Andy is practicing some artistic talents -that we never knew of or could have possibly imagined he had- by charcoaling a picture of Bob based on the description from Laura's crazy mother, Sarah. Yes, ladies and gents, the police are still basing their investigation on dreams and hallucinations. Truman takes tea from Madeleine and stares glumly into space, wondering how his life could possibly have turned to this constant compromizing of reason. He tries to bring back rationality by asking if Sarah had actually seen the man before, but no, never. Oh, but his face. MY GOD HIS FAACE! she, of course, screams.

Leland stumbles out in his bathrobe and ruins this too, just like the funeral and everything else. He apparently finds the interview with his wife laughable (and he's not far from right) and prompts her to tell the police about her other "vision." Yes, she's had two visions. How many, Leland? Show them.
Two. He then gives his wife too smug a smirk for someone who just recently jumped on a coffin (and let's not forget Glenn Miller), and stumbles out. This upsets Sarah, because there isn't a thing in the world that doesn't upset her. You can just tell she's getting ready for a screaming fit, but Truman cuts her off just in time. But yes, this other vision, it's the necklace one. Donna is present (Why?) and looks slightly off-camera, evidently worried about her feeble little James.

Cooper stayed behind at the station, because he is supposedly a "strong sender" and didn't want to influence Sarah Palmer (...), but he didn't let this time pass wasted. He greatly enjoyed a magic show put on by Dr. Jacoby.
Or not.

Outside of his magic show, Jacoby supplies only a limited amount of information, for he is a strict believer in a little thing called "doctor/patient confidentiality." He wasn't exactly against Laura's cocaine habit. "The fact that Laura Palmer sought medication, no matter how dubious, was actually a positive sign." That's what my psychiatrist tried to tell the police, too, but they bought it just as much as Cooper did. So why is Jacoby being such a dick? Because, allow me to paraphrase, he's going to be too busy investigating himself for the rest of his life. Cooper asks the man if he knows who killed Laura Palmer. Well, no, but he did go on about following a man in a red corvette Laura had talked about, the night after Laura died. He followed the car to the saw mill, but didn't follow any further, presumably because he wanted to get back to his self-investigation.

Exit Dr. Jacoby, enter Cooper's supervisor Gordon, or David Lynch, via phone. Gordon informs Cooper: 1.) The twine found on Laura's upper arm is your average run-of-the-mill twine, 2.) The twine on her wrists is not, 3.) The bites on her shoulder are bird bites, and 4.) A reconstruction of the plastic thing in Laura's stomach is being faxed to the office. (When it arrives, it is the shape of a poker chip.)
Bad news: Albert wants to continue with his tirade after Truman. Cooper flips out a bit at the phone, and hangs up.

In comes Andy with his work of art.

It is the man Cooper saw in his dream. Bob. His eyes are a bit closer together.

After a phone call from Hawk, Cooper, Truman, and Andy head off to a motel where Hawk is waiting, to find the one-armed man. Also at the hotel are.. ugh. Ugh. Catherine and Ben. Must we see this again? I'm not going to look. If you want to see what happens, watch it yourself. I'm done. And who else is at the motel? Josie. In her car. With a camera. Sure, fine, why not. Oh, and out of Ben's pocket falls a poker chip from One-Eyed Jacks. (Uh-oh.)

Cooper and Truman meet the one-armed man, Mike, who denies everything. He's never seen the Bob in the picture, his tattoo on his shoulder said "mom," he's an innocent shoe salesman, etc. etc. It's convincing! At least, he believes himself, apart from possibly the tattoo thing. He does have a bff named Bob, though! Bff Bob is in a coma. Bff Bob is a veterinarian. Cooper and the gang get down to investigating this vet place. But wait, before we go there..

To the Twin Peaks school, which we rarely see. We have Donna and Audrey in the bathroom. I don't know if it's just Audrey's oozing awesome, but Donna isn't so bad here. Audrey tells Donna of a master plan she's developing, to help Special Agent Cooper solve the murder. She doesn't realllly care about Laura, but she wants Cooper pretty bad, so. Donna is down for the investigating, but on one condition: They don't tell the anyone.

A brief venture into the boring life of Norma, because this is actually important. Her manslaughtering husband is up for parole, and he wants her help him get it. He has changed. He wants to prove it to her. Norma helps him out. She assures the authority that she will give her husband a job and they will live as man and wife. Why? Maybe she just wants to make her life less boring. Hey, I'm for it.

Now, to the veterinarian!

As they park, Cooper reminds Truman about his dream, about Mike and Bob living over a convenient store. He sends Andy to go pick up some twine from such a store nearby. Truman almost loses his patience with Cooper's dreams, but being the soft-spoken small-town sherf he is, he bites his tongue. Hawk gives the the most staged high-five in the history of high-fives somewhere in the background. The gang take a bunch of the vet's documents for scrutiny, to find the bird that bit Laura. Thinking! They are thinking.

The person to search these documents is Lucy. She's not overly pleased with this, which I can understand. It's not like she's an office assistant or something. She's just there to watch Invitation to Love on the little TV. Andy tries to talk to her, but she gives him the cold shoulder. She does this a lot in this episode, and Andy doesn't know why. Andy also doesn't get why Lucy didn't let him "spend the night last night." I say!

Bobby and Shelly Time. Bobby tells Shelly he thinks Leo and Jacques are running drugs across the border (because he buys regularly, except he didn't mention that) and are selling it at school. They even possibly sold it to Laura. Shelly shows Bobby the bloody shirt and her gun. It's a relationship built on trust, hopes, and dreams.

While Lucy looks through the documents, the boys go down to the cellar, shoot some stuff, and talk about women. Cooper is one hell of a shot and once had a woman who taught him the pain of a broken heart. Hawk is pretty good at shooting, too, and he writes poetry.
Poetry:

One woman can make you fly like an eagle,

Another can give you the strength of a lion,

But only one in the cycle of life

Can fill your heart with wonder

And the wisdom that you have known a singular joy.

Lucy rings down to interrupt this male bonding, and just in time, because it was starting to get a little gay. What's the problem, Lucy? The vet doesn't organize the files by species, but organizes by name. So in other words, finding this bird could take some time. Swell. Gordan calls in and narrows the search a little bit. The bird is either a myna bird or a parrot. Cooper, Andy, and Truman relieve Lucy of her job and spend hours and hours looking for the goddamn bird. At last, Andy finds it. Waldo! (Where's Waldo, get it?) Hurrrayyy, myna bird. Who owns the myna bird? You'll never guess. Jacques Renault!

They jump in the car and take a trip to Renault's apartment. Renault isn't there, but Bobby is. Bobby is busy planting evidence, Leo's shirt. He hears the police and bolts. Cooper and Truman roll in and find the shirt. I bet they didn't even have a warrant.

Finally! Our Great Northern scene of the episode. Ben is on his treadmill talking on his phone to a potential Swedish investor. Cool! Audrey walks in and spins some tale about wanting to be responsible and "be his daughter again." It takes some convincing, but Ben finally believes her. What is Audrey's motive? She wants her father to put her to work at the perfume counter at his department store. The same place where Laura worked. It works.

But then Ben gets a phone call to meet a mystery person at the river. Who is this mystery person? Leo with his red corvette. Leo has his back to the camera, and then we have that thing that I hate in movies. You know, when someone taps another person on a shoulder in an obviously creepy way, and doesn't understand how this could have possibly freaked the other person out? It's just stupid. The object of the tapping would have heard the tapper before he arrived, unless the tapper was purposely moving covertly. But yeah, Ben surprises Leo.

Leo has a problem. He has a problem with a dead body. Bernie. The late Bernard. That's a real problem. Ben doesn't care too much, and reminds Leo that he better do a good job with burning down Josie's saw mill. (Whoooo caaaares?)

James meets Madeleine at the Double R. He wants to hit that. Later, he and Donna go to check on the necklace, and see that it's gone. James wants to go to the police, but the police didn't love Laura!

Truman calls his main squeeze, Josie, who is desperate to talk to him. Once he brings up her appearance at the sleezy motel, however, she suddenly has to go. That lady is shady. But not too shady to make a date with Pete Martell to go fishing, even though she "doesn't know the first step about fishing." Sweet stuff. Pete leaves, and she notices that in a stack of mail on the kitchen counter, there is an envelope for her. We know it's going to be bad news, because Angelo Badalamenti's loud, forboding soundtrack plays overtop. And oh god! The horror!

That would be an awesome warning to just get in the mail, but the sender had to hammer the point in by calling her seconds after she opened it. Lame. Really. The sender is Norma's husband, Hank. Earlier, we saw him in the prison holding the domino piece, and if the makers of the show had just left it at that, it would have been pretty awesome. But some bad decision maker had to put in the phone call. Because we're not intelligent enough to make a connection.

I'm really missing the doughnut feasts.

Episode 4: Rest in Pain (or Worst Episode Title Ever)

We start again at the The Great Northern. Audrey is still swaying back and forth to her constant internal soundtrack. She waits for her Cooper. Or Colonel Cooper, as she calls him, and Cooper is quick to inform her that he is actually an Agent.. Special Agent. You can see the lust in both of their eyes at the sound of this adjective. Look at that lust:
Cooper flirts with Audrey so hard while he makes her prove that she slipped the "Jack with One Eye" note under his door ("Audrey, that rightward slant in your handwriting indicates a romantic nature. A heart that yearns... Be careful."), it makes everyone wish she could be maybe a couple years older than 18. But Cooper quickly suppresses his lust and gets rid of Audrey before Truman arrives at his table. Professionalism is key.

Beneath that sexual tension, however, there was some important information. Apart from Cooper getting Audrey to tell him stuff he already knew, about prostitutes and whatnot, he did learn that Laura used to work at Audrey's father's store, Horne's Department Store. The same store where Ronnette Pulaski worked, perfume section. Also, there is a possibility that Laura worked at One-Eyed Jacks.

When Truman and Lucy sit down to join Cooper for breakfast, Special Agent Cooper whisks away his sultry side and gets down to talking about griddle cakes, ham, and goshdarnit maple syrup ain't it the swellest. But Truman, for some reason, doesn't want to talk about food, but rather the phone call from the previous night, in which Cooper said he knew who killed Laura Palmer. Cooper then proceeds to describe his dream much more succinctly than I managed, and then says that, oh yeah, he forgot who killed Laura. Ohhhh well, no big thing. It's not like that's the reason why he's there.

At the morgue, Albert is trying to do his job, but these damned hillbilly doctors won't let him. "I have travelled thousands of miles and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole to perform some tests. I do not ask you to understand these tests, I am not a cruel man, I just ask you to get the hell out of my way so I can finish my work! Is that clear?" Zingers, Albert's got 'em. Albert's job is to examine Laura's body for evidence, and why can't he do it? Because the funeral is in, like, an hour, and they kind of need her for the coffin. I can see both sides of this argument. Sheriff Truman comes in and gives Albert "the old, rustic sucker punch." Cooper quietly tells Truman to go wait in the car like a good boy, and demands Albert play nice and not drill a nasty old hole in Laura Palmer's head.


Dream Clue One: Leland is sitting on his couch watching the town's favorite soap opera, Invitation to Love, when Laura walks in. No, not Laura, Madeleine, Laura's brunette cousin who looks exactly like her. Ohhh look, Cooper's dream is coming true. Wait, does this mean that the midget is Laura? I could get behind that.

Dream Clue Two: Albert later informs Cooper that Laura's wrists were tied with twine, bending her arms back. Remember, "Sometimes my arms bend back." Albert gives some amazing insight. He found a lot, including scratches from an animal on Laura's skin, and a piece of plastic in Laura's stomach with the letter J on it. J again. Noticing a trend? Albert then attempts to get Cooper to sign a paper describing the previous sucker punch events, but Cooper refuses and rants about how, gee whiz, Twin Peaks is swell town. To quote Albert again, "Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms." Once Albert is gone, Cooper makes a note to Diane to help him find a place to live in Twin Peaks. Oy.

Cooper and Truman go pay Leo Johnson a visit. Cooper keeps up his trend of asking people questions he knows the answers to: Did you know Laura Palmer? Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Leo lies on both., and then probably lies for the next question about where he was the night Laura died. He says Montana. I don't believe it. I doubt Cooper does. Do you?

Prepping for the funeral: James rides his bike to Ed's house only to tell him that he's not going to the funeral, then storms off. Audrey sneaks into a cubby hole at The Great Northern and spies on her family through a hole in a wall. Dr. Jacoby is comforting her brother, Johnny, convincing him to take off his Native American headdress. And in another awesome conversation between Bobby and his father the General, Bobby informs his father that he is going to TURN the funeral up.side.DOWN. And boy, does he.

James ends up showing at the funeral, to sulk behind a tree. Bobby makes a well-practiced spontaneous outburst about everyone being a hypocrite, and says that THEY killed Laura. WE ALL DID. Bobby and James get into a bit of a slow-motion scuffle, with lots of, "YOU ARE DEAD! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" Leland just can't take other people being more crazy than he and his wife, so he starts screaming again and jumps on the coffin. The mother quickly joins in with the screaming, and asks him not to "ruin THIS, too." I sense a story there.

I sort of lose interest here, or maybe it's just because I got hungry and started making some pasta without hitting pause. Cooper, Hawk, Big(?) Ed, and Truman meet up at Norma's Double R Diner, and start talking about shutting down this Jacques Renault guy and some French-Canadian drug-dealers. But then Truman gets down to business. He talks about something evil in the woods (and suddenly my interest is back) that has been "out there for as long as anyone can remember." These three local men are a member of a little club, a club formed TO FIGHT EVIL. They're called The Bookhouse Boys. Because they're stationed in a bookhouse. They all take a little trip to the bookhouse, where we meet up with a younger Renault with the worst attempt at a French-Canadian accent I have ever heard. He had cocaine, they want to find the brother, Jacques, so on and so forth, can we get back to the evil woods now?

Jacques sees a red light over a building, which is obviously some sort of signal that all is not well. He calls Leo and asks for help. Leo rushes off and Shelly comes home with a gun to hide in a table. Smart girl. I love her.

During one of their romantic evenings alone, Josie tells the Sheriff about the ledgers in Catherine's secret room. They go to check it out, but Catherine took out one to hide the evidence. Catherine is listening to them over the intercom, so see, she's smart, I guess. Catherine scolds Pete for helping Sophie, but Pete just doesn't care anymore. Who does? Sheriff tells Sophie that nothing's gonna harm her, not while he's around. Nothing's gonna harm her, no sir- And then they do it on the floor.

Cooper watches a man in a cloak and a great hat go to Laura's grave at night. It's Jacoby. He didn't go to the funeral, because he hates people. But he loved Laura. It's a touching scene, I'm a fan of it. It's Russ Tamblyn, you know?



Cooper and Hawk have a spiritual chat at either The Roadhouse or The Great Northern. Leland walks in, and demands to dance with people while Glenn Miller plays. He starts to scream a bit again, then he curls into a ball on the floor.

Episode 3: Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer (Too Dreamy)

Yesterday I watched this episode but couldn't write an entry, since it was the first one with a scene that sort of freaks me out. Sure, the first appearance of Bob last episode was alarming, but we don't yet know why we have to be afraid of him. This episode's dream sequence at the end didn't scare me the first time around, but now that I've seen the entire series, that room with those red drapes will forever make me shiver. But more on that later.


This episode opens on the Horne family eating a lovely, completely silent and awkward dinner at a very long table. They're all obvoiusly trying not to be upset by Audrey's mentally-challenged brother, who hasn't been quite the same since Laura, his tutor, died. When I say all, I mean all but Ben who I don't think at this point cares whether his family lives or dies.

Enter the poor man's Michael Douglas, Jerry Horne, Ben's manic brother. (Ben and Jerry, get it? Get it?) Back from Paris! He comes bearing gifts - the best damn sandwiches he's ever eaten, a baguette with butter and brie, and damnit, do I want a sandwich right now. Only Ben is happy to see his brother, the rest of the family sit and pray he'll just disappear. Ben and Jerry trade pleasantries while they eat the sandwiches in the absolute most obnoxious way ever, and then head out for a talk about the investors leaving, Laura dying, and, most importantly, a new girl at One-Eyed Jacks.


What's One-Eyed Jacks? It's a casino and brothel on an island just on the Canadian side of the border. Ben and Jerry take a boat to the island and step inside, where they are greeted by a bunch of looovely laaadies. Ben quotes Shakespeare at the matron of the lot, Blacky (...) for a little while, but Jerry has him shut the hell up, because he is impatient to get. it. on. Except Ben gets the new girl (who finds it difficult to hide her disgust) first, which is thoroughly upsetting to Jerry. That's the luck of the draw. Cooper finds out about One-Eyed Jacks after getting a sweet-smelling note under his door which says nothing but "Jack with One Eye." After hearing what the place is from the Sheriff, he makes it a priority to check it out. Wouldn't you?

Enough of that. Now let's check out the super-intelligent duo, Bobby and Mike. They drive off into the woods at night, Mike with a switch blade, to get a football, in a tree, that contains cocaine. They are intercepted by Leo, armed with a flashlight, a gun, and a mysterious crony, who makes some threats. There isn't enough cocaine, but there isn't enough money either, and Leo needs a new pair of shoes. His are all muddy and bloody, after all. Leo subtly implies that he knew Laura in some sort of wild, perhaps slightly kinky way, but moves on to his troubles, about his good-for-nothing wife who is soiling his bed with another man's semen while he's away on the road for days. Bobby asks if Leo knows who this other guy is in the most weasily and obvious way, but Leo's a bit of a dolt (remember, chest of drawers, bloody shirt) and doesn't catch it. Bobby and Mike scurry away, and that's enough of that tomfoolery. Or so we think. Because then Bobby, World's Smartest Guy, goes to see Shelly to step out with her some more. He then makes idle threats about killing Leo for causing the huge bruises on Shelly's face. The idlest of threats in the history of mankind.

Doughnut Feast No. 3 takes place outside, so Cooper can put on a little show for the gang, featuring a chalkboard, a bucket of rocks, and a bottle on a tree stump.
What is the explanation this time for one of Cooper's zaaaaany plans? Well, first let's talk about Tibet. .. Nah, you don't need to know. The point is, he has some pretty scrummy dreams, and now he can use some weird technique having to do with mind-body coordination something something something. So, the plan? Hawk's going to hold the magic bucket (while wearing kitten mittons - I mean, kitchen mittens), Truman's going to read the names on the chalkboard, Andy's going to stand next to the bottle on the stump and look at things, and Lucy's going to check off names on the chalkboard as Cooper throws the rocks at the bottle. What does this prove apart from Cooper having mostly shitty aim? The names are all names that have the letter J in them, and Cooper wants to find out which of these Js is the J Laura was nervous about meeting the night she died. Whichever name the stone hits the bottle on is the source of said nerves.
Names:
James Hurley
Josie Packard
Dr. Lawrence Jacoby
Johnny Horne
Norma Jennings
Shelly Johnson
Leo Johnson

The rock knocked the bottle off the stump on Jacoby, but the bottle shatters on Leo Johnson. Cooper, you rigging the system? Now I'm wondering, how will they justify questioning Leo Johnson? Yes, you see, Leo, we're going to have to bring you down to the station, because a bottle shattered when I threw a rock at it.

The infamous Albert Rosenfield (R-O-S-E-N-F-I-E-L-D) comes into the station and commands control. He's a bastard, "lacking in social niceties." I love him. Sheriff Truman isn't a fan, and he tells Albert so in no uncertain terms. Albert scowls and leaves the station with his sunglasses-wearing minions.

Back at the Martell homestead, Pete and Catherine share some loving remarks ("Get your boots off my bed and go to your room!") and Pete steals a key from Catherine's bedside vase to give to Josie to get a ledger. This ledger means something important. There are two of them. I guess one is a fake? I don't know, whatever.

Let's check in on the weeping crazies. Leland decides that he doesn't want his wife to be the only one to flip out more than socially acceptable, and dances around his living room to Glenn Miller at full volume (Is there any other way to listen to Glenn Miller?) with a picture of Laura. All the while screaming. You know he's gone too far, because even his clinically insane wife thinks it's gone a bit far. They accidentally smash the frame of the picture, Leland cuts his hand, and, perhaps the creepiest thing we've seen so far, he rubs the blood all over the picture. Not to be outdone, the wife starts screaming herself. They're not taking their daughter's death badly at all.


And now time to freak the hell out. AGHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT SOMEONE ELSE WRITE ABOUT THIS PART PLEASE! No takers? Fine fine fine. The dream. Cooper's dream. In abstract terms.

"Through the darkness of future past
The magician longs to see,
One chants out between two worlds,
'Fire, walk with me.'"

Said the One-Armed Man. We see flashes of a red room with that midget (politically incorrect!) from Carnivale having an epileptic fit, and a flash of Bob again, then this one-armed fellow starts his creepy as hell monologue. He, "we," lived among the people, above a convenient store. "I, too, have been touched by the devilish one." He had/has a tattoo on his left shoulder, but he took his arm off. I guess that's an explanation for that. His name is Mike. His name is Bob. And now we see Bob, calling out for Mike. Bob caught Mike with his "death bag." You may think he's gone insane, but he promises he will kill again. Then there's a circle of candles, they get blown out.

Cooper's dream turns back the the room with the crazy midget guy. Cooper is sitting in a chair; he is older. On a chair next to him is Laura Palmer; she is smiling at him. The midget calms himself down and wants to rock. Presumably he just snorted some cocaine, which surely he got from Laura. As if to validate this theory, Laura taps her nose. A shadow moves across the room, but we don't know its source. The midget speaks backwards.. Sort of. He talks about weird things. Gum coming back in style. Laura's his cousin. She looks like Laura Palmer. Cooper thinks she is Laura Palmer. Laura says she thinks she knows Laura Palmer, but you know, her arms bend back, so that explains that. She has secrets. Pretty birds sing. Midget dances some more, he's got sweet moves. Laura whispers something in Cooper's ear.
Cooper wakes up suddenly, calls Truman, and informs him that he knows who killed Laura Palmer. We-heh-helll, we'll just see about that. He snaps his fingers, he has music in his heart. Audrey likes the music too.


Isn't it too dreamy?